Taxes during Armageddon, as imagined by someone who just discovered Photoshop. (courtesy of http://wbtax.com)

I like doing my own taxes. And, no, I’m not insane, at least not like the drunk guy dressed as a female clown who rides his three-wheel bike around my neighborhood with a live parrot on his shoulder. My insanity – since that’s what it probably is – is more pedestrian and middle class. There’s something satisfying about sitting down with a pile of forms, statements and receipts, and ending up with a single number. This is what I owe the federal government or, preferably, this is what the federal government owes me.

Another number tells me a lot more about my life this past year. It sits near the bottom of page one of the 1040 – line 22 to be exact – after the words, “This is your total income.” That number sums up an entire year of working. It’s not a perfect measure. It lacks detail and nuance. It glosses over the personal and societal value of my accomplishments. It entirely ignores what I’ve learned and experienced. It does tell me one thing – how much money I earned. And that number was pretty damn small in 2009.

I’ve been doing my own taxes since the ripe old age of 15. That’s when I had my first real job – pumping gas at the local Amoco – and drew my first paycheck. Like many a suburban teenager, I’d mowed lawns, shoveled driveways and babysat kids. But people paid cash for those services. And as any waiter, bookie or financially savvy homeless person will tell you, cash is much harder for the tax people to track.

My taxes were much simpler then. There wasn’t much to report. All I had was a whopping $3.60/hour income, a bank account with a few hundred bucks and a mutual fund with another few hundred more. As a teenager, I rarely earned more than the standard deduction. So most of the taxes withheld the previous year came back to me. That day in May when the government sent me a nice fat check ranked right up there with my birthday and Christmas and the last day of school and, of course, Arbor Day, the granddaddy of all holidays. Tax refunds sure can buy lots of CDs and prepackaged Donettes from 7-Eleven.

Life is a little more complicated 8 (by which I mean 20+) years later. My expenses include more than music and convenience store food. I do my taxes on a computer using advanced (and awesome) tax software rather than on paper forms using No. 2 pencils with dried-out erasers. And if 2009 is any indication, my earning power has decreased.

If we ignore government unemployment insurance payouts, that total income number – line 22 – has decreased since 1987. I earned less as an experienced worker, with undergraduate and graduate degrees, than I did as a high school sophomore. The government paid my way this past year. And while I was entitled to the money, having been previously employed full-time, I didn’t earn it in 2009. I earned it in 2008 and 2007 and every other year I held down a staff position at a company that paid into the system. We can quibble over the meaning of “earn.” After all, I did spend hundreds, maybe thousands, of hours looking for work; and looking for work is most definitely work. But I wasn’t paid directly for it.

The realization of how little I earned didn’t sink in right away. Maybe I just didn’t want to think about it. And maybe I was too busy rushing to finish my taxes by the April 15 deadline. I always plan to do my taxes in March, and always fail. There’s always something more pressing to get done. This time the culprit was a freelance project that was and continues to sap all my time. Don’t read this as a complaint. I’m happy for the paying work, as is my bank account. It just leaves precious little time for everything else, like blogging, sleeping and filing taxes.

The bright side of all this is that 2010 won’t be a repeat of 2009. I will once again earn more money this year than I did as a high school sophomore. There are many parts of my youth that I’d like back. My income bracket isn’t one of them.

Ever feel like the blue robot to the world's red robot? (courtesy of http://coolrain44.wordpress.com/)

What better time to find a job than the holidays? The whole retail industry staffs up to meet the demands of the year’s busiest shopping season. More eager shoppers require more overworked sales people to serve them while wishing they could just go home. It’s a holiday maxim, as accepted as Black Friday and mall Santas and spending money you don’t have. These jobs aren’t perfect, or even desired. And they pay significantly less than my unemployment insurance. But a job is a job, if you get one. I didn’t.

My unemployment insurance will run out soon. At least I thought it would until Congress passed that extension; now I don’t know what the hell is going on. But my plan at the time was to delay the inevitable with a seasonal job at one of New York City’s many fine department stores. They’re all hiring. And seeing the throngs of shoppers up and down Fifth Ave. the other day, I can see why. Working during the holiday season – when work is available – would push back my day of unemployment reckoning. It would save me from having to find work in the dead of January.

I applied for a few seasonal positions – sales and back office – at a department store you’ve definitely heard of. They have locations all over the country, including the flagship store in Manhattan where tourists line up to look at display windows and relive scenes from movies. The smaller stores in Queens are the same as those in suburban Maryland or, presumably, anywhere. The pay would suck, but the employee discount would save me a few dollars on Christmas presents. And I’d get to experience the Christmas Season madness from the front lines. It could make for an interesting experience, provided I don’t get trampled by some present-hungry horde in search of a half-off sale. Maybe I’d even meet the real Santa Claus. I definitely have some questions for that fat hairy bastard… like why he never brought me those Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. I mean really, Santa, WTF?

I applied for three different positions – HR coordinator and salesperson at the main Manhattan store and salesperson at a Queens store. The online application took about 40 minutes to complete and included a lengthy multiple-choice personality test. The questions attempted to gauge my suitability for dealing with the public. And here I thought one only needed a pulse. The appropriate answers were obvious and, conveniently enough, the answers I would’ve chosen anyway. Apparently I have the right stuff for retail and am not a threat to steal things or shoot up the place (file those under “good to know”). A few days later, the store invited me to interview. I was actually a little excited.

Like any good job candidate, I arrived early at the Manhattan location for my 10:30 appointment. It was unseasonably warm that day. My wool suit, which had magically shrunk since my last interview, was a little toasty. The main floor wasn’t yet decorated for the season; customers were few and far between. Having only ever visited as a shopper, and then only evenings and weekends, I was surprised to see the store so calm.

The staff elevator whisked me away to the upper reaches of the store, where the human resources email had instructed me to go. Standing among various employees, I became keenly aware of my reason for being there. With 15 years of work experience and an undergraduate and graduate degree, I was about to interview for a seasonal job in a department store that probably paid less than some of my summer jobs. My stomach dropped, and a lump formed in my throat. My career had come to this.

I exited into the bridal registry section and wandered among the plates and salad tongs and wine buckets not finding anything HR-related. A couple of salespeople chatted by a register; nobody shopped. After about ten minutes, I felt sufficiently stupid and asked for directions. Any trace of superiority or entitlement I arrived with were now officially gone. I started to wonder if I were even qualified to work in retail.

The holiday season job I didn’t want and didn’t get, part 2

The holiday season job I didn’t want and didn’t get, part 3

If only it were as warm as this looks.

Unemployment makes staying home easy. Frigid temperatures make it even easier. So yesterday afternoon, around 5:30, I faced the biggest decision of my day. Do I bundle up and brave the cold for a subway ride to the West Side (an hour’s trip door to door), or do I play a DVD from Netflix (Family Guy, Season 6, Disc 3, with all the bonus features)? Sounds like a no-brainer… go with the fat guy, talking dog and occasionally diabolical baby. I opted for hypothermia and the MTA, which turned out to be the right choice.

Fordham University – my business school alma mater – held a panel discussion entitled “Layoff Survival Guide.” It was all about proper techniques for panhandling. Topics included…

• Street corner as office – coping with a change of environment.
• Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts – what coffee cup puts people in the giving mood and why.
• Dress for success – pathetic-looking clothing need not sacrifice warmth or comfort.
• Failed banker or bank failure – optimize your story to maximize your earnings.

Sorry, I got sidetracked. Too much Family Guy makes me think in asides.

The panel discussion was all about how to deal with a layoff. You may be wondering why I wasn’t on the panel, given my league-leading layoff tally and hard-earned expertise. I wondered the same thing. But the invited panelists turned out to know a thing or two themselves. They offered more advice than “think about going back to school or an online university.” I was content to listen and learn from the third row.

The panel consisted of Merrill Lynch financial advisers Anthony Russo and Kim Potvin, employment attorney Andy Karamouzis and career coach Alan Cohen. Anthony started it off with his personal story quickly followed by a few very important (if obvious) tips. The most important (and most obvious) is to examine your budget and expenses. Any laid-off business school grad should think of and take care of this in the first week of unemployment. But any financial adviser worth his spreadsheets would be remiss if he didn’t lead with this tip. He also emphasized the need to rollover and reallocate 401Ks. People accumulate multiple accounts as they go from job to job, and let the market skew their investments what direction they will. While organizing your financial house is a convenient time to consolidate and recalibrate. This tip seemed a little self-serving (so you’re reinvesting… we can help), though also logical and relevant. Retirement accounts are assets and should be considered in any financial self-examination.

Kim summed up her story and continued the retirement discussion before yielding the floor to Andy the employment lawyer. His first point was something I’ve harped on in this blog – file for unemployment insurance. Again, this is Unemployment 101-type stuff, but very important. Don’t leave free money on the table. Swallow any lingering pride; overcome the creeping laziness. I was surprised to learn that some audience members thought the government tries to trick people out of unemployment. Let’s dispel this notion right now. Filing for unemployment is quick, easy and straightforward in most cases. Basically any laid-off worker can do it. No one is out to deprive you, barring the occasional vindictive former company who won’t validate a claim. And the big, bad government doesn’t have it in for you as an individual. You, personally, are not that important.

Alan the career coach finished things up, which made perfect sense given the trajectory of a layoff. Whereas the first three speakers focused on getting your jobless ducks in a row, he looked ahead to bigger, better ponds. His outlook was upbeat, and his advice sage. Get over the perceived stigma of being laid off; it probably wasn’t your fault. And get beyond the notion that a job defines a person; this is a narrow view of an individual. Then examine what was appealing about previous jobs and use that as a lens to focus your energy in the right direction. The trick, as he put it, is not to believe a company is right for you just because you need a job. This resonated with me. As a job search drags on, the group of “right” companies and industries always seems to grow. Desperation leads to bad decisions. Of course, desperation is sometimes justified.

Audience members interrupted each of the speakers with questions, which gave them avenues for expanding and directing the conversation. But in business school, and in life, I suppose, the alpha, ME ME ME types tend to dominate. And mostly they just want to talk about themselves. One woman seemed to have three different jobs yet was contemplating giving them all up to collect unemployment (WTF?). She asked questions so specific to her own situation that no one could understand let alone answer them. I’m not sure she even understood. Some people had more insightful comments and questions that surfaced information I didn’t know. These were the highlights for me…

• Severance packages are not required by law, at least in New York state. Most employment agreements are entered into by an employer and an employee at will. Either party can terminate the relationship at any time. Severances are a gesture of goodwill and come with a waiver that releases the company from any future damages.
• Severances are always negotiable. With a strong case and a light touch, they can be improved. The worst a company can do is say no, and then beat you with the nearest blunt object – likely a stapler, so watch out for those Swinglines.
• Don’t take what’s not yours. What’s done in a work capacity belongs to the company. This includes proprietary information and contacts.
• If laid off, get a letter from that employer stating the reason for your departure (e.g. money issues, corporate downsizing, etc.). It could make securing a new job easier.
• Volunteering for a charity can expand your network and further your job search. It may also give you a nice warm and fuzzy feeling.

Sitting in a room with other unemployed people was just as important as learning more about unemployment. It was therapeutic, a good reminder that many people are going through the same things. My job search isn’t any easier, and my bills aren’t any more paid. But I do feel better about myself for making the effort. And I’m grateful to Fordham and the panelists for their efforts, on a night when most people probably just wanted to go home and get out of the cold.

I tend to be all business at the gym and, for that reason, not terribly social. Still there are two people that I’ve become friendly with. The first – an older and recently retired gentleman – I met when he shared just how amazed he was that someone else at our gym read The New Yorker. The second is a pudgy Asian guy who is about my age and also unemployed. I don’t remember how we met.

I see the unemployed guy a few times a week. He always asks after my job search and laments the state of his. (He’s an engineer who’s been unemployed for about seven months.) We might then discuss when the job market will pick up again (mid to late 2009, if we’re lucky) or what other types of jobs I could pursue (sales or something trademark-related). He’s dead set on working as an engineer, so I suggest companies and geographical areas where he might have more luck.

Today we happened to be on adjacent elliptical machines. After breezing through the usual topics and then discussing why the government is better than the private sector (mainly job security), we got onto the topic of Unemployment Insurance. He had recently reached the 26-week point and noticed the balance in the history section of his account was $0. But he’s still receiving payouts.

As I understand the system to work, the original term for which the jobless could expect payouts was 26 weeks. It was extended by 13 weeks and then, on November 20, by another seven weeks. So what that means to me is that he (and I) can make claims and receive payouts for 46 weeks. After that, barring another extension, both of us would be out of luck.

His understanding is a little different than mine. As he explained it, the extensions don’t mean an unemployed person receives more money. They allow for that person to collect the same amount of money over a longer period of time (46 weeks as opposed to 26 weeks). For example, an unemployed person who collects the maximum in New York ($405/week) will collect a total of $10,530 after 26 weeks. The extensions allow that person to spread that amount over a time period up to 46 weeks. He also believes that any money collected beyond the 26 weeks puts your account into the negative. So once you’re employed, you have to repay this.

I think he’s wrong, and here’s why. First of all, the system as he understands it could potentially leave the unemployed worse off. If I were to voluntarily take less money each week to extend the term of the payouts and then find a job before maxing out my benefits, I’d end up with less money. It would make more sense to take the maximum payouts each week and bank whatever I don’t use for when the benefits run out (not that there’s ever extra money). There’s one line of reasoning that makes a tiny bit of sense. People tend to spend what they have, so reducing the benefit and extending the term would help them manage their budget so they’d have money for longer. But that can’t possibly be enough reason to set up Unemployment Insurance this way. His assertion that an unemployed person’s account goes into the negative after 26 weeks is also faulty. Unemployment is funded by a tax on employers not employees.

Still the possibility scared me enough to look into it further. I found nothing to substantiate his understanding of how the unemployment extensions will work. It simply seems that New York state hasn’t updated the wording on the site (except to add a separate page about the extensions) or adjusted its online system. My account still shows that unemployment lasts for 26 weeks too. Maybe the extensions require a claimant to file again. That’s a question I’ll have to ask.

For your reading pleasure, here’s the wording about the extensions on the NYS Department of Labor site…

“On November 20, 2008, Congress passed legislation to extend the Emergency Unemployment Compensation (EUC) allowing an additional seven (7) weeks of benefits, for a total of 20 weeks of EUC. This 7-week extension is referred to as Extended EUC, and is based on New York State’s unemployment rate. The first week of benefits that can be paid under this 7-week extension is the week ending November 30, 2008. Unemployed individuals may claim benefits for this week from Sunday, November 30, 2008 through Saturday, December 6, 2008 by using this website or by calling our toll-free Tel-Service number at 1-888-581-5812 (New York State residents), 1-888-864-9920 (out of state residents), or 1-877-205-3119 (TTY/TDD equipment users).”

“Under current legislation, new claims for Emergency Unemployment Compensation (EUC) can be initiated through the week ending March 29, 2009. No EUC can be paid for any week that begins after August 30, 2009. The weekly benefit amount paid for EUC is the same amount the individual received for regular unemployment benefits.”

I did discover one thing that concerns me. My 46 weeks would extend past the August 30 cutoff date. I could theoretically lose a few weeks of unemployment. It may end up a moot point if the job market worsens and Obama extends benefits. I’ll still be calling the Department of Labor bright and early on Monday to find out just what the deal is.

It pains me that I can say this with authority, but getting laid off is different every time. Though the end result is always unemployment, each occasion has peculiarities that make it oh so memorable.

My first layoff was extra special (the first time always is). I was working for an Internet startup, in the heady days of the dotcom bubble. The company focused on live music, concert reviews and listings in particular; whether or not this could be monetized was another issue. When we weren’t skateboarding around the office or playing touch football, I was a content editor.

The company’s offices were in some raw space on the top floor of a loft building in the then industrial and now chichi DUMBO neighborhood in Brooklyn. This was a huge step up from the previous office – a big room over a paper disposal plant a few blocks away that doubled as the owner’s apartment. The new space had huge windows with fabulous views of the Manhattan Bridge and downtown Manhattan, some prefab desks and a bunch of computers. That was it.

Things went along swimmingly for the first part of 2000. I got to go to a ton of shows for free, and then write about them. Sometime in there I even got a raise. It wasn’t enough to retire on, but I was happy with it.

Along about September, the company started to run out of money. The CEO called everyone together and said he had enough in the bank to cover the next month or so of operating expenses. (Pizza from Grimaldi’s was probably involved, as every meeting involved pizza… another perk.) He had meetings set up with venture capital firms and was confident he could secure additional financing. But the dotcom bubble was deflating and investors were no longer throwing money at everything. If the trip secured anything, it wasn’t much. I was still getting a check, so I continued to show up every day. It didn’t occur to me that this wouldn’t always be the case. Oh to be young and naive.

After the trip, the plan changed from securing additional funds to selling the company. There had been talks with a couple of suitors in previous months, and those talks were renewed. One even sent a representative to review the company’s systems. It seemed that I would continue to have a job and could net a small windfall from my stock options. Things were looking up, and then they weren’t. In fact the one serious suitor was only interested in bringing the company’s technology in-house, not in carrying on the company as it was.

The paychecks stopped but the talks continued. The CEO was confident that a deal was still possible and encouraged us to continue working to keep the site viable. I showed up for work for a couple days after the company missed my last check. Others didn’t. I worked from home for a few more days, doing the bare minimum. The potential deal fizzled and the company basically ceased to exist, except online. The site remained live on the off chance that another buyer came along. I was unemployed.

My last couple of checks depended on additional cash in the form of more financing or a bridge loan from a new owner. That cash never materialized, so I was essentially out of luck. Needless to say the stock options became worthless too. Over the next week or so, while management was clearing out of the space, some of my co-workers helped themselves to computers and furniture as compensation. I can’t say I blame them.

In this layoff, there was no official meeting, letter or really notification that I was laid off. There was no severance package or continuation of benefits. No one walked me out of the building or FedExed my belongings to my apartment. The CEO just told us that he was no longer able to pay us, so I stopped working. To his credit, he was upfront (if overly optimistic) throughout the whole ordeal, sharing information as he got it. It still would have been nice to get my last two paychecks. I guess I’m just funny like that.

What’s the first thing you should do after being laid off from your job? Take the rest of the day off. Go out to your favorite restaurant – provided it’s not crazy expensive – and treat yourself. Then go to a movie or a bar or a show. Go home and play video games. Do whatever it is that you love to do but never have enough time for. You’ve had a rough day, and you deserve it. Then go to sleep and try not to worry about what you’re going to do for money. Worrying doesn’t help, and it’s a waste of time. (I know, easier said than done.)

What’s the second thing you should do? Sign up for unemployment insurance. I don’t care how rich or busy your are. I don’t care how proud you are. I don’t care if you’re infinitely employable and you’ll definitely have a job in no time flat. Take the free money. It’s yours, already set aside for you in a fund that your now former employer paid into. You won’t be depriving anyone but yourself if you don’t collect. If you saw all that money laying on the sidewalk, you’d pick it up, right? Dammit, what do I have to say to get through to you? Why won’t you listen to me?

The amount probably isn’t enough to live off of long-term, especially if you live like Richie Rich. But it is fairly generous, all things considered. In New York State, the highest payout is $405/week for 26 weeks before taxes (about $365 after taxes). I don’t know what your previous salary has to be to qualify for that amount. But if you were making at least $40K/year, you should get the max.

Once you’re in their system, set up the direct deposit. With that established, all you have to do is log on to the site once a week (Mondays are the first day) and answer a short questionnaire. You won’t get paid for the first week (the waiting week). After that, the money will go directly into your bank account 3 days after you make a claim.

Then just look out for any correspondence from the government and respond in a timely manner. They may check that you’re actually looking for a job, which you should be doing anyway. On rare occasions, they may want you to meet with a job coach. But I only know one person who has ever had that happen. Unemployment insurance is still worth these minor inconveniences.

So do it now, unless you have a job. In which case, screw you.