I don't know which sport's fans they'll cater to. Maybe jai alai, or competitive cat herding?

The Great Recession is stopping me and millions of people from finding a job. We’ve all seen the unemployment numbers, and they aren’t good. But this doesn’t seem to be keeping entrepreneurial types from opening stores in Jackson Heights. Every time one closes – which seems to be often – another pops up within a couple months. New or soon-to-be new stores are everywhere. It just occurred to me, while munching on a foot-long BMT at Subway and staring out the window at the grandiosely named “La Casa Del Internet,” that opening my own store and putting myself in charge could be this blogger’s ticket out of unemployment. Everyone else around here is doing it. Why not me?

Wifey brings up the idea periodically, usually in a half-joking manner meant to downplay that she’s also half-serious. I only gave the idea much thought once, a few years ago, when I was gainfully employed but not terribly happy about it. At that time, Jackson Heights lacked a decent coffee shop or even a Starbucks. There were plenty of places to get good coffee; Colombian bakeries make a mean cup. But there was no place to meet friends, hang out, read a book, check email or get exiled from. The idea of opening a little cafe has a certain romantic quality. It also has a major downside, as I discovered in the Slate Magazine article entitled “Bitter Brew.” The author methodically tells his story of opening up a Manhattan cafe and how it destroyed his life. That was the end of that pipe dream and the last time I seriously considered opening a store.

Maybe dismissing the idea out of hand was a little rash. I’m a reasonably bright guy, sometimes. I have an MBA and some work experience. I’ve shopped in stores. And I like money. That practically makes me William H. Macy, Joe C. Penny or one of those other department store tycoon types. Besides, three of the more difficult questions – what to sell, where to sell it and what to name the store – have been essentially answered for me.

Jackson Heights only supports certain types of businesses – hair/eyebrow salons, sports bars/chicken restaurants, hoochie mama clothing stores and 99 cent emporiums. If I can incorporate some or all of these under one roof, I’ll be assured success. Gainful employment and early retirement… here I come. The rents on 37th Ave. – the nicer shopping street – are supposedly outrageous. People on the neighborhood message board openly speculate how stores with nary a customer continue to survive there year after year. I like having kneecaps, so I’ll keep my opinions to myself. High rents on 37th Ave. mean my store would have to be on Roosevelt Ave., under the subway tracks. Elevated trains rattling my fixtures every five minutes will just class up the shopping experience anyway. And that’s more money in my pocket. Given my products and location, the store name almost doesn’t matter. I just have to misspell on the sign, as per neighborhood custom.

There we have it… Norm’s Hair and Ibrow Salon Chickon Sport Bar 99 Cent Hoochie Mama Boutick Emporiam is born. I may need a double storefront to accomodate the sign; I’ll have to look into that. Everything will sell for 99 cents, or some multiple of that. Stay tuned to Jobless and Less for info on the grand opening. You won’t want to miss it.

Yesterday morning a guy calling himself Bailout Bill handed out money in Times Square. Amounts ranged from $50 to $5000, probably based on the recipient’s tale of woe or the quality of their performance. I was working out in a gym 17 blocks away, oblivious to what might be the only money changing hands in the city…

Man hands out cash in New York

Self-respecting New Yorkers avoid Times Square whenever possible; it’s packed with traffic and people stopping every 20 feet to point cameras at each other. So most of the cash recipients were likely tourists, at least until word got out. But how bad could their situation be if they could afford to vacation in New York – the most expensive city in the country – a month after the holidays? I’m just sayin’.

Seeing the publicity opportunity that these people saw (the whole thing was a stunt for a website), I decided to apply the idea to Jobless and Less. Naming myself Nevermind Norm, I set up shop this morning in the entrance to the abandoned Yofiore on the corner of Roosevelt Ave. and 82nd St. in Jackson Heights. The religious zealot only berates people there on weekends, so this prime traffic spot was all mine.

My staff of sexy young females corralled visitors with the promise of cash in exchange for their personal stories of layoffs, hospital bills, tuition expenses, etc. But after each story, I hit them with my tagline, “Nevermind!” and summoned the next person in line.

I think the event was a resounding success, for the ten minutes it lasted. Many people learned about Jobless and Less and the spirit in which it operates. I think I converted some skeptics into fans too; site traffic is already spiking. And I escaped without any broken bones. It was a win for everyone.

Businesses continue to fail in Jackson Heights. It’s sad to watch. Every walk down Roosevelt or 37th Ave. reveals a recently vacated store. Some I’m happy to see go – like all the cell phone places or the shop at my corner selling cheap umbrellas, NYC t-shirts and an assortment of useless junk. My wife and I get way more enjoyment out of speculating what businesses could fill the voids in a perfect world (New York Sports Club, Barnes & Noble, are you out there?) than we ever did out of the now-closed stores. But there are no new stores coming in, just padlocked security gates and “For Rent” signs. I’d rather have the crappy stores back.

The KB Toys on 82nd St. is in the process of closing. There’s something extra sad about a toy store going out of business. It’s downright depressing when that toy store goes out of business right after Christmas, the biggest shopping season of the year. And it’s almost suicide-inducing when you have to watch its demise – from Christmas through New Years – from your bedroom window while looking for a job yourself.

Were sales so bad that even the holidays couldn’t keep the store afloat? In a neighborhood swarming with kids, did that few parents buy presents? Did the owners just delay the inevitable long enough to make what money they could? As it turns out, the company is bankrupt and shuttering all 460 of its stores. I’ve been watching the sale signs get more and more desperate day by day. Now they’re up to “everything must go.” Before too long they’ll start selling the furniture and fixtures.

One day soon it will just be a KB Toys sign and an empty store. And that’s how it will stay, for a very long time, or at least until a mega hair/nail/eyebrow salon takes over. The toy store’s employees will venture into unemployment or, if they’re lucky, other employment. I’ll be in my apartment searching the internet for a job. And when I look out the window, I’ll see that depressing reminder of my neighborhood’s struggling economy. I’m not looking for work near where I live (yet), but it doesn’t make me excited about my prospects.