I want my own theme song, almost as bad as I want a job. I don’t mean music that plays during the credits before and after each episode of my life. The “Night Court” and “Facts of Life” songs are taken anyway, as is the theme to “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” (number one in the hood, G). I mean music that plays whenever I enter a room or walk down the street. Something that says, “here comes one bad-ass, unemployed mo-fo, so back on up out of my way, biiiiii-atch.” Hulk Hogan had Rick Derringer‘s “Real American,” which let everyone know he was a communist. The Mets‘s Jose Reyes has 50 Cent‘s “I Get Money,” because he’s sensitive to the plight of the working man. Paris Hilton has the “Romper Room” theme, which lets everyone know that she’s a dingbat. Or at least that’s what plays in my head whenever she’s on the TV screen. I should have something befitting my complete unemployed awesomeness.

I’ve narrowed down the pool somewhat, but not down to one. No one song can really fit every occasion? It just doesn’t seem possible. I walked down the aisle at my wedding to American Music Club‘s “All My Love.” But I’d never use that song to enter the locker room at the gym. The lead-in music for my college radio show was Primus‘s “Pudding Time.” That might work for a trip to the grocery store or Bill Cosby‘s house, but not, say, the porta-jon. You see my dilemma. My entrance song should probably be more of an entrance playlist, containing songs for all occasions. I smell a K-Tel cross-marketing opportunity… Unemployment Hell perhaps.

I haven’t yet worked out the unwieldy logistics of scoring my every entrance. I might be forced to hire an advance scout and roadies and have them on call 24/7. The scout would anticipate my every move and make sure the destination could accommodate my needs. The roadies would load in and break down the sound equipment at each location. This could get a little weird late at night, when going for a glass of water. A more economical option – one that befits my jobless status and allows for some privacy – might be a ghetto blaster. Anybody have one left over from the ’80s stored in their mom’s basement, and some D batteries?

So without further delay, here’s my unemployment playlist to score my every entrance into every room and my every strut down every street. Behold…

Boards of Canada – Dayvan Cowboy
For when I rule the world. I’ll get back to you on the details.

Beck – Where It’s At
For when I need to feel the cracker funk.

The Clientele – Here Comes the Phantom
For happy, sunny days be-boppin’ down the boulevard.

Cut Copy – Feel the Love
For when I feel the love.

Foreigner – Urgent
For when I’m not shy. For when I get around.

Journey – Don’t Stop Believin’
For when I do.

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes – I Believe I Can Fly
For when I aim to inspire, and need a punk rock backbeat to drive home the message.

The Polyphonic Spree – It’s The Sun
For when I lose my mind, join a cult and feel the need to dress in Sun God robes.

Rush – 2112
For when I feel like making everyone wait. That’s right, for the whole damn song, all 20+ minutes. Because on these days I’m that important.

Van Halen – Drop Dead Legs
For when only a full-on David Lee Roth leg kick will do. I almost went with “Panama,” but leg kicks to that song might just put me in traction given my advanced age.

Wham – Freedom
For when I feel like Andrew Ridgely to the world’s George Michael. This song will probably get a lot of spins, because I’m unemployed.