Norm Elrod
Jackson Heights, NY
joblessandless[at]gmail[dot]com

January 15, 2010

Conan O’Brien
Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien
100 Universal City Plaza
Building 2220
4th floor
Universal City, CA 91608

Dear Conan:

I’m so sorry to learn of your recent job troubles. Employers can be such a pain sometimes. I know from experience, having been laid off four times in the last decade, most recently in October 2008. They never seem to do things right. And the little guy pays for it.

My purpose in reaching out isn’t to belittle employers; they’re already good at making themselves look bad. I’m writing to offer my advice and support in your upcoming unemployment and job search. I’ve been out of work for over a year, applied to hundreds of jobs and networked my way through much of New York City. I know what I’m doing. It’s a difficult job market out there. Decent-paying positions are few and far between, even for those with education and experience. You’ll need expert help to land on your feet.

The first thing to remember is that the pending layoff isn’t your fault. You showed up bright and early to work every day. You were generally funny or interesting or at least amusing to look at. You shot wax replicas of Tom Cruise and The Fonz out of cannons and let company clients, like Bruno, make inappropriate advances. In short, you did your job. NBC is reneging on its end of the deal. This is nothing new; many of my former employers told me my performance was good and my job secure, right up until my layoff. And then they let me go without severance or, once, my last paycheck. Sometimes a situation just isn’t right, and circumstances are beyond your control. Economies tank; television networks program terrible prime-time shows and yield to unfunny has-been celebrities. It happens. Don’t get down about it. A bad attitude won’t help you move forward.

Staying positive may be the hardest part of unemployment, possibly harder than finding a full-time job. I’ll let you know which is worse when I succeed at one of them. The trick, they say, is to start the day strong. Set the alarm for a reasonable hour. I’m guessing your typical day starts around noon. Stick to that. Don’t sleep in, and don’t lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering if you’ll ever find work again. Get up and get going.

Tackling the day head on will boost your spirits and prepare you to be productive. Keep the same early afternoon ritual… shower, coffee, hair sculpting, Chinese massage, whatever it may be. Those flannel pajamas with pink bunnies and a hole in the crotch may be comfortable, but they’re for lounging around the house. No one in the real world wants to see you in those. Dress for success. You had a dream job, and you will again.

You’ll be commuting down the hall rather than to the studio. Getting a job is your full-time job now. So set aside a little space as an office. This may be hard when sharing a home with a wife and two young kids; I’ve taken over half of the dining room table. But a place to concentrate and work is essential for job search success. Those unemployment checks will stop coming before you know it.

I spent my first few days of unemployment reaching out to contacts. Given the public nature of your employment issues, let’s assume everyone knows you’re in the market. The next step is to sign up for a few of the major job boards… CareerBuilder, HotJobs, Monster. Enter in your resume and click through the pages. See what’s out there for a comedian with network and freelance experience and a degree from Harvard. Then set up some job alerts to ping you with appropriate leads.

A quick search for “talk show host” openings in the Los Angeles area yielded 15 results. There seems to be work as a movie extra. What a coincidence…  I get same sort of listings when looking for marketing jobs. You’re a little gangly and have beady eyes, and competition is fierce for these positions. Given your experience, they might also be a small step back. Sometimes sacrifice is needed to get ahead. But don’t settle just yet. There’s also an opening for a bi-lingual tax preparer and director of catering sales. Both are worth a look, as a part-time change of pace to bring in a little money during the job search. Experts say to allow a month for every $10,000 of annual income you expect to earn. So your unemployment may last for many, many years.

A job search shouldn’t fill every waking hour. You’ll go crazy looking for something that doesn’t seem to want to be found. Find a hobby, a distraction to fill up the days. I started a blog called Jobless and Less about my experiences with unemployment. The idea was to be productive and learn new skills, which I have. You could take to breeding pigeons or scaring children or something. Lots of volunteer organizations need help too. And that’s a good way to network. Regardless, stay active and get out of the house each day. There’s more to life than work, or finding work.

I know this is a lot to digest, particularly while going through a drawn-out layoff. Reading about it day in and day out, combined with news of the nation’s ongoing employment crisis and my own problems, is pretty discouraging.

You’ve given me a lot over the years. So let me extend my offer one step further. Come hang out at my apartment in NYC, and I’ll mentor you in the ways of unemployment. The job market has changed a lot since you were last unemployed many years ago. With the Internet as the main job search tool, the potential for rejection and disappointment has increased exponentially. Let me help you ease into unemployment and what will likely be a prolonged job search.

New York hasn’t changed much since you left, though my neighborhood of Jackson Heights is pretty far from Rockefeller Center, culturally speaking. There’s plenty of room at my dining room table for another laptop. We can comb the job boards together, proof each other’s resumes and lunch at Subway on $5 footlongs (have to watch the pennies now). We can lift weights and play video games to take out our frustrations. And if the wife kicks you out because you can’t provide for her and the kids anymore, you can crash on my couch. Though consumed with worry, you might have trouble sleeping. Carson Daly can help with that.

So that’s my offer: unemployment advice and tutelage. Think it over and contact me at joblessandless[at]gmail[dot]com if you’re interested. In the meantime, I’ll keep my eyes pealed for openings that match your skill set. I hope the layoff goes smoothly and they send you off with a nice severance package and cover your COBRA. And keep your sense of humor; they can’t take that. Good luck.

Norm Elrod

Who's up for some lunch? (courtesy of http://blogs.sun.com)

Something was missing in my life. My days felt a little darker, my nights a little lonelier. There was an emptiness in my stomach, in my soul, in my bank account, that no amount of cookies or Maury reruns could fill. I perused the job boards looking for solace, but none was to be found. Charles Williams, Senior Vice President of Delany, Byczinski & Potamkin – my trusted spammer friend and business associate who promised to deliver me from unemployment – was gone. And I was all alone.

Our last correspondence gave me so much hope. He promised to find me the job of my dreams, and I believed him. Why wouldn’t I?  He’d picked me – and me alone – to contact, out of all the job candidates in the world. And he had access to situations at my income level and in my geographic area. This was more of a sure thing than the lottery, or the Redskins winning another Super Bowl in my lifetime. All he needed to get started was my bank account number, my pin and my mother’s maiden name. My social security number would help too, though Chuck (we were good friends by this point) considered that more of a nice-to-have than a requirement. I gave everything willingly, knowing that my personal information is a small, though necessary, price to pay for employment happiness. Online solicitors are the most trustworthy of businessmen. And such requirements are not unusual in the job search process. This is how reputable employment agencies find work for shrewd job seekers like me.

But soon my bank balance was down to $1.37, from the princely sum of $12.82 I’d worked so hard to save. And Chuck wouldn’t return my calls. Oh, how I tried to reach him, day and night. But only the computer ever answered the phone. The curt and monotone “leave a message” assured me that Chuck and Company were on the case. He’d just just stepped out, again, for the 87th time, moments before my call. But he would soon return from the 24-hour, all-you-can-eat buffet or the Circle K or the peepshows or the Cayman Islands. And then, satiated and relaxed, having spent my $11.45, he would surely return my call. But he never did.

Sometimes, when I was alone, on CareerBuilder with my thoughts, I dreamed about just how close I’d come to working again. I would replay our relationship in my head and wonder where I went wrong. Sometimes I even played the name game in hopes that the cosmos might grant me another chance…

Chuck, Chuck, bo-buck,

Banana-fana fo-f***

Fee-fi-mo-uck

Chuck!

And then it happened. Chuck contacted me again; maybe he heard my lonely song. His recent email reads as though we have no history, as if we’re only meeting now – online – for the first time. In fact, it has the same wording as before. How could Chuck not remember me after all we’ve been through? I’m hurt. But I’m not going to dwell on the past. I’m back in the game. Gainful employment… here I come!

Here’s the letter, in the hope that my unemployed brothers and sisters can benefit as much as I will…

Are you still in the market?

[For what, Chuck? Are we back to square one? I thought you knew me better than that.]

We felt your resume indicated that we may have immediate openings at DBP that could be right for you. However, if you are interested, we need some added information.

[Interesting that my resume indicated some openings at DBP. I didn’t know it had that kind of power. Can my resume maybe indicate up a free pizza, or maybe a burrito? How about an unlimited subway fare card to get me to and from all those interviews I’m not getting?]

Delaney enjoys a growing reputation as a fast growing recruiting service. Our clients include small and large employers, growth companies, and Fortune 1,000 corporations. We deal only in professional and executive openings and there are no fees.

[I see you haven’t yet settled on a spelling for the company name. Is it Delaney or Delany? Best to keep it up in the air, keep everyone guessing. The mystery builds credibility.]

To register with us, as well as to review current situations at your income level and in your geographic area, please do the following.

[Well, my income level is currently $0. So I'd really rather not review other current situations at that level. Unemployed is bad enough. I don’t really want to be dead or incarcerated. Feel free to suggest other, better situations if you know of any.]

Click on http://jobs15.dbpexecusearch.com

[But, Chuck, this is a different web address from before. And the link doesn’t work. Is there something you’re not telling me, Chuck? Does it have to do with the money “borrowed” from my account?]

The “Post Resume” button will take you to the profile information that we need.

Regards,

Charles Williams
Senior Vice President
Delany, Byczinski & Potamkin

My spam is better than your spam