Layoff Tracker

(Companies announcing layoffs OR places not to send your resume)

Total Layoffs Announced… 699,749

Total Jobs Left in the World… 23.7

3M (1200) – Who will make the tape to wrap the presents I can’t afford to buy and give anyone?

7-Eleven (200) – With the massive savings, the CEO can now afford a chili cheesedog, a Big Gulp and not 1 but 2 bags of chips. Rejoice, your heart attack is that much closer.

ABX Air (1000+) – 865 workers in Ohio alone? Does anyone not named LeBron still have a job there? If he leaves the Cavs, will the state’s economy collapse entirely?

A.H. Belo (500) – This one is a real shocker, given the strength of the newspaper industry.

Accent Marketing Services (400) – And that accent is on the “E,” which also stands for “employees” and “earnings.” Wait, no, “eviction,” that’s the word they decided on.

Adobe (600) – Rest assured your computer will still download updates at the most inopportune times. They kept on all those little elves.

ADT Security (500) – I’ve trained our guard cats to hide under the couch and lick themselves at the first sign of an intruder. So we’re still safe. And if that fails, I may have to go with a real home security option.

Aetna (1000) – Their health insurance policies no longer cover doctor visits or prescriptions. The good news is that every policy comes with a complimentary WebMD membership and a tourniquet.

Agilent Technologies (3800) – The “premier measurement company” apparently miscalculated how many employees they really need.

Alcatel-Lucent (1000)

Alcoa (13,500) – I knew recycling was the devil’s work. Homeless people – with shopping carts full of cans – are killing our esteemed corporations, a nickle at a time.

Alegent Health (300)

Allergan (460) – You have drugs. We need drugs. What’s the problem again?

AMD (1100)

American Airlines (323) – Without the flight attendants, there’s no need for in-flight meals, I guess. Not that I don’t enjoy the free food poisoning to go along with my motion sickness.

American Axle (734)

American Century (270) – With that name, no wonder they’re downsizing.

American Greetings (275) – You’d think they’d be thriving from sales of “sorry you lost your job (thank God it wasn’t me)” cards. Guess not.

American Medical Association (100) – Above all, do no harm, at least until money is involved.

Anheuser-Busch InBev (1400) – Well I’ll just drown my sorrows with a good beer, like Keystone.

AOL (700) – But web-savvy grandmas probably won’t see a drop-off in the number of pop-up ads they’re served.

Apple (1600) – And Steve Jobs officially changed his name to Steve Layoffs.

ArcelorMittal (700) – Steel has been used to build many wondrous structures, including unemployment offices in Cleveland.

Ashland (1300)

AT&T (12,000) – Rollover minutes don’t expire, but jobs do.

Baker Hughes (1500)

Bank of America (30,000) – How appropriate that the bank named after America took government money and then laid off employees. It makes me feel so patriotic. Oh say can you see, by the dawn’s early light…

Bank of New York Mellon Corp. (1800)

Best Buy (500) – If only I’d bought that copy of Chinese Democracy and not just feigned interest on my way to use the bathroom.

Boeing Co. (4500) – I guess 800 just wasn’t enough. Now it’s laying off people who perform “overhead functions.” Oh, those executives and their witty wordplay…

Borders Books (742) – This could eliminate some of my strategically placed bathroom stops throughout the city.

Bose (1000)

Bridgestone Firestone (158) – Supplying the tires for cars that America can no longer afford.

Bristol-Myers Squibb (4200) – I can’t afford much more than aspirin these days anyway.

BusinessWeek (12) – If they layoff the people covering all the layoffs, does that mean that all the layoffs won’t happen? Maybe if we get Superman to fly around the planet real fast, over and over, against the earth’s rotation… (315) – This one is just too easy.

Caterpillar (20,000) – Please don’t cut the Trucker Hat Making Division. I need a reason to live.

Cessna (4600)

Chrysler (3000) – Honest, Mr. President and generous taxpayers of this fine country, just a few more layoffs and a few more dollars and the company will be in tiptop shape, at least until the Italians get here.

Cigna (1100) – The company announced that it no longer insures its policyholders. It’s happy to report that it will continue require payment from those policyholders.

Cinram (200) – CD sales are poised for a comeback. I can feel it.

Circuit City (34,000) – Does this have anything to do with those creepy commercials with the sexy-talking televisions?

Cisco (2000)

Citizens Financial Group (900)

CitiGroup (50,000) – They win or, um, lose.

Clear Channel (2440) – Please cut everyone who programs the music.¬†Please cut everyone who programs the music. I’m begging here. I’d do anything if you’d just play one good song. ANYTHING!

Coach (150) РLaid off employees will now have to visit the local Chinatown for all their favorite Coach products.

Compass Bank (1200) – Set it to due north, and then go exactly the other direction. That seems to be most banks’ moral and fiscal approach these days.

Compuware (250) – That’s the best name you could come up with? Compuware? Did you name your dog “Doggypet”?

Cooper Industries (2200)

Corning (3500)

Cummins (985)

Deere & Co. (713) – There goes my plan to give up the rat race and work the land… for a major farming conglomerate.

Delphi (800) – Making parts for cars that nobody’s buying.

Delta Airlines (2100) – In an effort to improve safety, in-flight meals will no longer be served.

DHL (9500) – Still not delivering to anywhere near you.

Discover Financial Services (500) – Do stores even accept the Discover Card anymore?

Dow Chemical (5000)

Dow Corning (800) – That’s what we in the biz call a tag-team layoff. Dow throws the working man into the ropes, and Corning hits him with a flying elbow.

DuPont (2500)

Eaton (5200) – Their “Powering business worldwide” slogan now reads, “Powering business worldwide, while taking a giant dump on Cleveland.” It has a certain ring, don’t you think?

Eclipse Aviation (800)

Eddie Bauer (193) – New for Spring, potato sacks with a casual twine belt. Perfect for days on the unemployment line or nights, um, on the unemployment line.

Electronic Arts (1100) – I guess John Madden wants to be paid in real money these days, not just turducken.

Elgin Area School District (348) – The best way to ensure future employment is to not teach our kids today. Just want to make sure I have that straight.

Emerson Electric (14,000)

ESPN (200) – Keyshawn Johnson and 199 people of your choosing.

Ethan Allen (190) – The business of furnishing tomorrow’s foreclosed homes just isn’t what it used to be.

Estee Lauder (2000) – A little eyeliner, and maybe a little blush, will cover that right up.

Federal Express (1000) – What if Kinko’s just xeroxed you some more customers from your 14 existing customers?

Fidelity Investments (1300) – Fidelity… that means loyalty, right? Just checking.

Flying J (200) – This may ruin my dream of the gas station joining forces with convenience store Circle K. Seeing that on the highway might make my head explode.

Focus on the Family (202) – I don’t like it when anyone gets laid off. But if any organization has to get smaller, I’m happy it’s this one.

Ford Motor Company (2600) – I guess it could be worse… they could be GM.

Forrester Research (50) – Shouldn’t a research company have seen this coming?

Freescale (2400)

GE Aviation (1000)

General Dynamics (1200)

General Motors (68,000) – Why not just lay off everyone outside of the executive suite? It’s not like anyone’s buying cars anyway.

Genworth Financial (1000)

GlaxoSmithKline (1000) – Drugmakers seem to be postponing world domination until 2010.

Goodyear (5000) – And which year would that be? Surely not 2009.

Google (6000) – Don’t be evil, unless being evil is better for the bottom line. Then it’s okay.

Hallmark (550) – The Pink Panther has been licensed to deliver messages of good luck to departing employees. They’ll be smiling too much to realize they just got canned.

Hanesbrands (210) – Don’t let them get their Hanes on you. (I can hear you laughing.)

Harley-Davidson (1100) – As a proper salute to the soon-to-be-fallen workers, all Harley owners should NOT ride their bikes and NOT wake the rest of us at 3:00 a.m.

Harrah’s Entertainment (250) – Somehow I don’t think these casino workers will have trouble finding the door.

Hartford Financial (500)

Hawker Beechcraft (2300)

HCI Books (34) – Publisher relocates chicken soup from soul to toilet.

Hershey’s (300) – You’d think sales of chocolate – the ultimate coping mechanism – would be soaring.

Hertz (4000) – Maybe they could do a new commercial, this time with Michael Vick running through an airport jumping over luggage carts.

Hilton Hotels (1000) – Well, Paris, here’s your chance to finally be useful. See that broom over there? Yeah, the one inside the bear trap. Would you get that for me?

Hitachi (7000)

Home Depot (7000) – Living up to their name, the company has donated cardboard and corrugated metal for their former employees’ next homes.

Home Shopping Network (250) – A march on headquarters was narrowly averted when Snuggie-clad couch potatoes realized they could just watch it on TV.

HSBC (6000) – In related news, mattress is now officially the safest place to keep money, if anyone has any.

Huntsman (1175)

IBM (16,000)

ING (7000) – Laid-off employees will be referred to as “past-tensed” in all relevant press releases.

International Paper (1000-1500) – Paper… is that a new online application?

Johnson & Johnson (900) – You’d think sales of the really fun drugs would be up in this economy. I guess even addicts are cutting back.

JP Morgan Chase (12,000) – Is it just me, or does this company name now sound more like a soap opera character?

Kaiser Permanente (860) – Just assume that you can’t get an appointment and save yourself the 20-minute tour through their answering system.

Kennametal (1200) – This is yet another blow to the tool community, which VH1 has been systematically depleting week by week. What will we do when all the good people are gone?

Kinetic Concepts (300) – Layoffs: the movement of loyal employees through open exits employing a foot in a large boot and the words, “and stay out!”

Kodak (3500) – The declining value of pictures – now only worth about 12 words – is a likely culprit.

La-Z-Boy (850) – But how else are all of us unemployed freeloaders supposed to slack off?

Las Vegas Sands (283) – Gambling might be the most realistic and productive source of income these days.

Limited Brands (400) – And limited revenue to match.

Liz Claiborne (725)

Logitech (525) – My current form of carpal tunnel syndrome will have to suffice for now.

Los Angeles Times (300) – A sidebar survey found the company to be the most employee-friendly of all newspapers named “Los Angeles Times.”

Macy’s (7000)

Manitowoc Crane (450)

Mattel (1000) – When contacted, Barbie offered to forgo her yearly breast enhancement surgery, as a show of solidarity. In other news, little girls everywhere are feeling better about themselves.

The McClatchy Company (1600) – The internet may be crushing the newspaper industry. But you can’t lay the internet on the floor for your dog to pee on. How you like them apples, Al Gore?

Meadowbrook Farms (600)

Merck (750)

Meredith (250) – Subscribers to the soon-to-be-defunct Country Home magazine will get free subscriptions to Empty Lot, for their reading pleasure.

Micron (2000)

Microsoft (5000) – Here comes Bill Gates on his giant checkbook to fix the economy. No, Bill, not [Shut Down]! Please, [Restart], [Restart]!

Midway (180) – If a new version of Arch Rivals was shelved, I may have to just start playing the My Little Pony video game.

Milliken & Co. (650)

Minntac (590)

Monaco Coach (2000) – RV manufacturer makes employment more dangerous than it does the highway.

Morgan Stanley (1880) – Wait a minute, some finance workers still have jobs?

Motorola (4000)

NBC Universal (500) – But SNL is still on the air. Really? Really?

NEC (20,000)

NASA (900) – That’s one small step for man; one giant leap [into the unemployment abyss] for mankind.

National Football League (150) – Could we just layoff Jerry Jones and Terrell “I can’t believe my middle name is ‘Eldorado'” Owens?

National Public Radio (64)

National Semiconductor (1725)

Nationwide Mutual Insurance (480) – Nationwide is on your side, by which they mean their own side.

Neiman Marcus (450)

Network Appliance (500)

Nokia (1700)

Nortel (3200)

Northern Trust Corp. (450) – The key word here is “trust.” Layoffs make us customers trust you even more. Everyone, say it with me…

Northrop Grumman (750)

Ogilvy & Mather (150-175) – “The cuts are a win for all parties involved,” says management. “Ogilvy & Mather is now primed to tackle the challenges that await the company in 2009.”

Omnicom (3500)

Orrick, Herrington & Sutcliffe LLP (300) – I tried to drum up a snarky yet sympathetic comment for lawyers, but I’m only human.

Pepsi Bottling Group Inc. (3000) – I can only afford store-brand cola these days anyway.

Pfizer (26,000) – Has the market for Viagra gone soft too?

Philip Morris (1100) – Killing its customers, and now its employees too.

Philips (6000)

Pilgrim’s Pride Corp. (350) – If the Pilgrims were alive today, they’d be so proud of what the company’s done. They’d also be over 400 years old, and too disoriented to do anything but die again instantly.

Pioneer (10,000) – Sounds to me like you want to be the same as all the other companies. Isn’t that what got you here? Have your mom and I not taught you anything?

Piper Aircraft (300) – In good news, that’s 300 additional homes people can buy on the cheap at foreclosure auctions in few months.

Planned Parenthood (30) – That means an additional 500 employees for corporate America to lay off in 20-25 years.

Plantronics (900) – And just when I was looking to upgrade all of my robotic plants…

PNC Bank (5800) – Would you lend me some money now? But some of that money the government gave you came from my taxes. I’ll trade you the naming rights to my apartment then…

Pontiac School District (760) – At what point will students actually outnumber teachers?

PPG Industries (2500)

Putnam Investments (260) – This wouldn’t happen to have something to do with that stock market thingy, would it?

Reader’s Digest (280) – I much prefer the condensed version of this recession. In that one the economy has already recovered.

Rheem Manufacturing (1200) – “Names you can trust,” management you can’t.

RR Donnelley & Sons (370) – Just keep the junk mail coming. The only good tree is a dead tree.

Roche (1500)

Ryder (3100) – You’d think business would be up with the booming eviction market. (100) – Let’s hope corporations don’t forget how much they’re not paying people.

SanDisk (300) – If they had sold 4 more mp3 players (for a grand total of 17), all this could have been avoided.

Sanyo (1200)

SAP (3000) – Just rearrange the letters to spell “SPA” and all your troubles disappear.

Sara Lee Corp. (700) – Even my unemployed, depression-induced eating binges couldn’t save them.

Seagate (800)

Sears (300) – This must be why I can’t find Toughskins in my size.

Sega (30) – I guess after Sonic The Hedgehog was unleashed, he was corralled and put down.

Sesame Street (68) – Brought to you by the letters B and S, and the number 0.

Smithfield Foods (1800)

Sony Corp. (8000) – As long as this has no effect on my PS3 or the next Jennifer Lopez album (I’m not fooled by the rocks that you got.). Otherwise Sony will really have problems… with me!

Sony Pictures Entertainment (300) – Stick around for Layoffs II, in which the executives get bonuses and throw a big party.

Sovereign Bank (1000) – Banished from the kingdom, laid-off employees are now forced seek their fortunes elsewhere.

Spansion (3000) – Ex-Spansion workers prepare to see bank accounts contract.

Sprint (8000) – Sprint also announced its stylish recession line of mobile phones. Each soup can device is crafted from the latest space-age metals and sound-conducting string. Choose the can label and string color that best expresses your individuality. Browntooth tuna fish can hands-free devices sold separately.

Stanford Financial (1000)

Starbucks (6000) – And the coffee will still taste like ass in a cup.

Sun Microsystems (5000-6000)

Sunoco (750) – And let me guess, you’ll have to raise gas prices too…

Target (1000)

TDK (8000) – The Certron conglomerate remains intact and willing to meet all of your mixtape and radio-recording needs.

Teradyne (532) – Because those 2 additional employees will put them in the black, triggering that executive bonus clause and leading to additional layoffs next year to cover executive bonuses.

Texas Instruments (400) – At least my solar calculator from college still works well enough to make subtractions from my bank account.

Textron (2200) – You’d think these guys would be doing well with all the military flying machines. Oh right, it’s their finance unit. Got it.

Time Warner Cable (1250) – How much for those rabbit ears again?

Timken (3000) – Ohio continues to trip over itself and walk into walls as state bearings maker announces layoffs.

Transcontinental (1500) – The junk mail business just ain’t what it used to be. Seems like only yesterday that trash came right to my door.

Tyco Electronics (20,000)

UBS (2000)

US Airways (233) – In another shrewd cost-cutting move, the company has hired Jiffy Lube to service its fleet.

US Postal Service (3000) – This threatens my day’s most anticipated activity – giving my neighbor his mis-delivered mail.

Union Pacific (230) – My great grandpappy used to tell me about these things called “trains.” I always thought it was the senility talking.

Unisys (1300)

United Technologies (11,600)

Universal Orlando (70) – With the boy band training facility finally shuttered, the world is safe from crappy music, until the next Maroon 5 album.

University of Washington (1000)

Univision (300)

Vail Resorts (50) – Whatever, I’m skiing at Aspen this winter anyway.

Viacom (850) – Please don’t shutter VH1 Classic. Life without dated videos from bands I never heard of when they were “popular” would be an empty life indeed.

Virgin Megastores (1060) – Where will I go to not buy CDs now?

Virginia Department of Transportation (1450)

Walgreens (1000)

Wal-mart (400) – That will show them. Now they have to shop at your store.

The Walt Disney Co. (1900) – Scrooge McDuck’s pool of money is only half full these days.

Warner Bros. (800) – A big opening night from the “Friday the 13th part 2134 – America’s Lobotomy” could turn the company around, so stay tuned. We all know that Michael Bay always delivers a quality product.

Washington Mutual (3400) – That’s what you get for calling yourself WaMu. You are (were) a bank, not a farm animal.

Washington Redskins (20) – I wonder if this includes even more of their draft picks.

Western Digital (2500)

Weyerhaeuser (480) – Since no one has any money, I guess we don’t need paper from trees to make it.

Williams-Sonoma (1400) – Even more people who can only afford food off the dollar menu, and thereby won’t cook or need cookware.

Woolworths (27,000) – Who knew Woolworths still existed. But wow, that’s a lot of jobs!

WPP (7200)

W.W. Grainger (400)

Yahoo! (1520)- Ya-hoo! I mean, oh crap!

Yale University (300) – Take that, Biff and Muffy!

Zale (245) – Three month’s salary for me comes out to about $0. So I guess I can afford a diamond ring for my wife now. Unemployment works in my favor for once.

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