(Companies announcing layoffs OR places not to send your resume)
Total Layoffs Announced… 699,749
Total Jobs Left in the World… 23.7
() – Who will make the tape to wrap the presents I can’t afford to buy and give anyone?
() – With the massive savings, the CEO can now afford a chili cheesedog, a Big Gulp and not 1 but 2 bags of chips. Rejoice, your heart attack is that much closer.
() – 865 workers in Ohio alone? Does anyone not named LeBron still have a job there? If he leaves the Cavs, will the state’s economy collapse entirely?
() – This one is a real shocker, given the strength of the newspaper industry.
() – And that accent is on the “E,” which also stands for “employees” and “earnings.” Wait, no, “eviction,” that’s the word they decided on.
() – Rest assured your computer will still download updates at the most inopportune times. They kept on all those little elves.
() – I’ve trained our guard cats to hide under the couch and lick themselves at the first sign of an intruder. So we’re still safe. And if that fails, I may have to go with a real option.
() – Their health insurance policies no longer cover doctor visits or prescriptions. The good news is that every policy comes with a complimentary membership and a tourniquet.
() – The “premier measurement company” apparently miscalculated how many employees they really need.
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() – I knew recycling was the devil’s work. Homeless people – with shopping carts full of cans – are killing our esteemed corporations, a nickle at a time.
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() – You have drugs. We need drugs. What’s the problem again?
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() – Without the flight attendants, there’s no need for in-flight meals, I guess. Not that I don’t enjoy the free food poisoning to go along with my motion sickness.
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() – With that name, no wonder they’re downsizing.
() – You’d think they’d be thriving from sales of “sorry you lost your job (thank God it wasn’t me)” cards. Guess not.
() – Above all, do no harm, at least until money is involved.
() – Well I’ll just drown my sorrows with a good beer, like Keystone.
() – But web-savvy grandmas probably won’t see a drop-off in the number of pop-up ads they’re served.
() – And Steve Jobs officially changed his name to Steve Layoffs.
() – Steel has been used to build many wondrous structures, including unemployment offices in Cleveland.
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() – Rollover minutes don’t expire, but jobs do.
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() – How appropriate that the bank named after America and then laid off employees. It makes me feel so patriotic. Oh say can you see, by the dawn’s early light…
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() – If only I’d bought that copy of and not just feigned interest on my way to use the bathroom.
() – I guess just wasn’t enough. Now it’s laying off people who perform “overhead functions.” Oh, those executives and their witty wordplay…
() – This could eliminate some of my strategically placed bathroom stops throughout the city.
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() – Supplying the tires for cars that America can no longer afford.
() – I can’t afford much more than aspirin these days anyway.
() – If they layoff the people covering all the layoffs, does that mean that all the layoffs won’t happen? Maybe if we get Superman to fly around the planet real fast, over and over, against the earth’s rotation…
() – This one is just too easy.
() – Please don’t cut the Trucker Hat Making Division. I need a reason to live.
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() – Honest, Mr. President and generous taxpayers of this fine country, just a few more layoffs and a few more dollars and the company will be in tiptop shape, at least until the Italians get here.
() – The company announced that it no longer insures its policyholders. It’s happy to report that it will continue require payment from those policyholders.
() – CD sales are poised for a comeback. I can feel it.
() – Does this have anything to do with those creepy commercials with the sexy-talking televisions?
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() – They win or, um, lose.
() – Please cut everyone who programs the music. Please cut everyone who programs the music. I’m begging here. I’d do anything if you’d just play one good song. ANYTHING!
() - Laid off employees will now have to visit the local Chinatown for all their favorite Coach products.
() – Set it to due north, and then go exactly the other direction. That seems to be most banks’ moral and fiscal approach these days.
() – That’s the best name you could come up with? Compuware? Did you name your dog “Doggypet”?
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() – There goes my plan to give up the rat race and work the land… for a major farming conglomerate.
() – Making parts for cars that nobody’s buying.
() – In an effort to improve safety, in-flight meals will no longer be served.
() – Still not delivering to anywhere near you.
() – Do stores even accept the Discover Card anymore?
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() – That’s what we in the biz call a tag-team layoff. Dow throws the working man into the ropes, and Corning hits him with a flying elbow.
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() – Their “Powering business worldwide” slogan now reads, “Powering business worldwide, while taking a giant dump on Cleveland.” It has a certain ring, don’t you think?
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() – New for Spring, potato sacks with a casual twine belt. Perfect for days on the unemployment line or nights, um, on the unemployment line.
() – I guess wants to be paid in real money these days, not just .
() – The best way to ensure future employment is to not teach our kids today. Just want to make sure I have that straight.
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() – and 199 people of your choosing.
() – The business of furnishing tomorrow’s foreclosed homes just isn’t what it used to be.
() – A little eyeliner, and maybe a little blush, will cover that right up.
() – What if Kinko’s just xeroxed you some more customers from your 14 existing customers?
() – Fidelity… that means loyalty, right? Just checking.
() – This may ruin my dream of the gas station joining forces with convenience store Circle K. Seeing that on the highway might make my head explode.
() – I don’t like it when anyone gets laid off. But if any organization has to get smaller, I’m happy it’s this one.
() – I guess it could be worse… they could be GM.
() – Shouldn’t a research company have seen this coming?
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() – Why not just lay off everyone outside of the executive suite? It’s not like anyone’s buying cars anyway.
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() – Drugmakers seem to be postponing world domination until 2010.
() – And which year would that be? Surely not 2009.
() – Don’t be evil, unless being evil is better for the bottom line. Then it’s okay.
() – The Pink Panther has been licensed to deliver messages of good luck to departing employees. They’ll be smiling too much to realize they just got canned.
() – Don’t let them get their Hanes on you. (I can hear you laughing.)
() – As a proper salute to the soon-to-be-fallen workers, all Harley owners should NOT ride their bikes and NOT wake the rest of us at 3:00 a.m.
() – Somehow I don’t think these casino workers will have trouble finding the door.
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() – Publisher relocates chicken soup from soul to toilet.
() – You’d think sales of chocolate – the ultimate coping mechanism – would be soaring.
() – Maybe they could do a new commercial, this time with Michael Vick running through an airport jumping over luggage carts.
() – Well, Paris, here’s your chance to finally be useful. See that broom over there? Yeah, the one inside the bear trap. Would you get that for me?
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() – Living up to their name, the company has donated cardboard and corrugated metal for their former employees’ next homes.
() – A march on headquarters was narrowly averted when -clad couch potatoes realized they could just watch it on TV.
() – In related news, mattress is now officially the safest place to keep money, if anyone has any.
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() – Laid-off employees will be referred to as “past-tensed” in all relevant press releases.
() – Paper… is that a new online application?
() – You’d think sales of the really fun drugs would be up in this economy. I guess even addicts are cutting back.
() – Is it just me, or does this company name now sound more like a soap opera character?
() – Just assume that you can’t get an appointment and save yourself the 20-minute tour through their answering system.
() – This is yet another blow to the tool community, which VH1 has been week by week. What will we do when all the good people are gone?
() – Layoffs: the movement of loyal employees through open exits employing a foot in a large boot and the words, “and stay out!”
() – The declining value of pictures – now only worth about 12 words – is a likely culprit.
() – But how else are all of us unemployed freeloaders supposed to slack off?
() – Gambling might be the most realistic and productive source of income these days.
() – And limited revenue to match.
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() – My current form of carpal tunnel syndrome will have to suffice for now.
() – A sidebar survey found the company to be the most employee-friendly of all newspapers named “Los Angeles Times.”
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() – When contacted, Barbie offered to forgo her yearly breast enhancement surgery, as a show of solidarity. In other news, little girls everywhere are feeling better about themselves.
() – The internet may be crushing the newspaper industry. But you can’t lay the internet on the floor for your dog to pee on. How you like them apples, Al Gore?
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() – Subscribers to the soon-to-be-defunct magazine will get free subscriptions to Empty Lot, for their reading pleasure.
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() – Here comes Bill Gates on his giant checkbook to fix the economy. No, Bill, not [Shut Down]! Please, [Restart], [Restart]!
() – If a new version of was shelved, I may have to just start playing the .
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() – RV manufacturer makes employment more dangerous than it does the highway.
() – Wait a minute, some finance workers still have jobs?
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() – But is still on the air. Really? Really?
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() – That’s one small step for man; one giant leap [into the unemployment abyss] for mankind.
() – Could we just layoff Jerry Jones and Terrell “I can’t believe my middle name is ‘Eldorado’” Owens?
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() – Nationwide is on your side, by which they mean their own side.
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() – The key word here is “trust.” Layoffs make us customers trust you even more. Everyone, say it with me…
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() – “The cuts are a win for all parties involved,” says management. “Ogilvy & Mather is now primed to tackle the challenges that await the company in 2009.”
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() – I tried to drum up a snarky yet sympathetic comment for lawyers, but I’m only human.
() – I can only afford store-brand cola these days anyway.
() – Has the market for Viagra gone soft too?
() – Killing its customers, and now its employees too.
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() – If the Pilgrims were alive today, they’d be so proud of what the company’s done. They’d also be over 400 years old, and too disoriented to do anything but die again instantly.
() – Sounds to me like you want to be the same as all the other companies. Isn’t that what got you here? Have your mom and I not taught you anything?
() – In good news, that’s 300 additional homes people can buy on the cheap at foreclosure auctions in few months.
() – That means an additional 500 employees for corporate America to lay off in 20-25 years.
() – And just when I was looking to upgrade all of my robotic plants…
() – Would you lend me some money now? But some of that money the government gave you came from my taxes. I’ll trade you the naming rights to my apartment then…
() – At what point will students actually outnumber teachers?
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() – This wouldn’t happen to have something to do with that stock market thingy, would it?
() – I much prefer the condensed version of this recession. In that one the economy has already recovered.
) – “Names you can trust,” management you can’t.
() – Just keep the junk mail coming. The only good tree is a dead tree.
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() – You’d think business would be up with the booming eviction market.
() – Let’s hope corporations don’t forget how much they’re not paying people.
() – If they had sold 4 more mp3 players (for a grand total of 17), all this could have been avoided.
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() – Just rearrange the letters to spell “SPA” and all your troubles disappear.
() – Even my unemployed, depression-induced eating binges couldn’t save them.
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() – This must be why I can’t find in my size.
() – I guess after Sonic The Hedgehog was unleashed, he was corralled and put down.
() – Brought to you by the letters B and S, and the number 0.
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() – As long as this has no effect on my PS3 or the next Jennifer Lopez album (I’m not fooled by the rocks that you got.). Otherwise Sony will really have problems… with me!
() – Stick around for Layoffs II, in which the executives get bonuses and throw a big party.
() – Banished from the kingdom, laid-off employees are now forced seek their fortunes elsewhere.
() – Ex-Spansion workers prepare to see bank accounts contract.
() – Sprint also announced its stylish recession line of mobile phones. Each soup can device is crafted from the latest space-age metals and sound-conducting string. Choose the can label and string color that best expresses your individuality. Browntooth tuna fish can hands-free devices sold separately.
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() – And the coffee will still taste like ass in a cup.
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() – And let me guess, you’ll have to raise gas prices too…
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() – The Certron conglomerate remains intact and willing to meet all of your mixtape and radio-recording needs.
() – Because those 2 additional employees will put them in the black, triggering that executive bonus clause and leading to additional layoffs next year to cover executive bonuses.
() – At least my solar calculator from college still works well enough to make subtractions from my bank account.
() – You’d think these guys would be doing well with all the military flying machines. Oh right, it’s their finance unit. Got it.
() – How much for those rabbit ears again?
() – Ohio continues to trip over itself and walk into walls as state bearings maker announces layoffs.
() – The junk mail business just ain’t what it used to be. Seems like only yesterday that trash came right to my door.
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() – In another shrewd cost-cutting move, the company has hired Jiffy Lube to service its fleet.
() – This threatens my day’s most anticipated activity – giving my neighbor his mis-delivered mail.
() – My great grandpappy used to tell me about these things called “trains.” I always thought it was the senility talking.
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() – With the training facility finally shuttered, the world is safe from crappy music, until the next album.
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() – Whatever, I’m skiing at Aspen this winter anyway.
() – Please don’t shutter . Life without dated videos from bands I never heard of when they were “popular” would be an empty life indeed.
() – Where will I go to not buy CDs now?
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() – That will show them. Now they have to shop at your store.
() – Scrooge McDuck’s pool of money is only half full these days.
() – A big opening night from the “ part 2134 – America’s Lobotomy” could turn the company around, so stay tuned. We all know that always delivers a quality product.
() – That’s what you get for calling yourself WaMu. You are (were) a bank, not a farm animal.
() – I wonder if this includes even more of their draft picks.
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() – Since no one has any money, I guess we don’t need paper from trees to make it.
() – Even more people who can only afford food off the dollar menu, and thereby won’t cook or need cookware.
() – Who knew Woolworths still existed. But wow, that’s a lot of jobs!
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()- Ya-hoo! I mean, oh crap!
() – Take that, Biff and Muffy!
() – Three month’s salary for me comes out to about $0. So I guess I can afford a diamond ring for my wife now. Unemployment works in my favor for once.