No Slater, I just want to be friends! (courtesy of www.almightydad.com)

Has it really been that long since high school? Am I really that old? I still kind of feel the same, at least after ten hours of sleep and a couple cups of coffee. I still look about the same, when I wear my mullet wig and sing Def Leppard songs into my hairbrush in the mirror. But it has been that long, and I am that old. That’s why I was in MD a few weeks back for my 20^th high school reunion.

That Saturday afternoon, I sat on my dad’s couch watching the Disney Channel and killing time before the the big event. Who could’ve guessed Saved By The Bell would spawn a whole network of beautiful teens running around sanitized, microcosmic worlds making bad jokes? Screech would be so proud, Mr. Belding too. In one episode, restaurant advertising mascots – a hot dog, salad bowl and baked potato, to be specific – have a “food fight.” Get it… food fight? They’re food, and they’re fighting. I stuck my finger in my eye, repeatedly, to stop the pain.

The episode also involves a ping-pong tournament at a school for wizards, located right in the heart of NYC. Given that television is always factually accurate, I was surprised to have never heard of this place. It must be one of those newfangled magnet schools, or magic’s answer to Bronx Science. Regardless, if you ever see a kid in funky glasses and a cloak getting into hijinks and ballyhoo near your apartment, discreetly walk the other way. That kid is a wizard in training. And he might cast a spell that forces you to go back inside and waste your Saturday afternoon.

Next up was the first Harry Potter movie, which had me saying “Harry Potter” to myself in a faux British accent for the next week. Wifey was lucky I wasn’t around enough for her to hear it; she might’ve lost her s**t. All the new Hogwarts students are wide-eyed at this enchanted world where staircases move, pictures talk, feasts appear on tables and magic is everywhere. Two decades ago, about to embark on our lives after high school, we were excited too. The sun is coming up behind the bleachers in my senior class picture, which someone posted on Facebook. We’re laughing and talking and posing. My eyes are closed.

My teen years don’t seem quite as absurd as those of these characters. We wore ridiculous clothes and hairstyles and attempted to woo members of the opposite sex. We told stupid jokes and laughed until tears dripped from our eyes and soda from our noses. We played sports and worked degrading after-school jobs in food service. But it all seemed pretty normal at the time. That’s what teenagers do, or did. And then the ’80s, and the next 20 years, disappeared. Now we’re all older than we ever imagined we could be. And teenagers are these strange, magical beings who are decidedly unfunny.

I carpooled to reunion with a good friend, who, unfortunately, is also unemployed. We’ve both had tenuous job situations these last couple years. He’s had more luck getting interviews; I’ve had more luck getting freelance work. We help each other out, critiquing resumes and websites, exchanging job leads and listening to complaints about how much this whole situation really sucks. Neither of us is where we want to be. But both of us are getting by.

He had a more positive outlook going in. Maybe he just knew that he could get loaded because I was driving. My feelings were a little mixed. Many people I like – or liked once upon a time – would be there, including some who remain good friends to this day. But I’d have to explain, over and over, who I am after 20 years of life. And I didn’t know what to say. Would the truth – or some version of the truth – cut it? Maybe a story of international intrigue and espionage was the way to go. A reunion elevator pitch that summed up things up in pithy little bullet points would’ve come in handy either way.

It didn’t matter anyway. No one seemed to care that much about the specifics; and those who did already knew my tale of woe. The music was so loud that involved conversation was near impossible anyway. My Norm spiel came to me two seconds into my first conversation. It included phrases such as “freelance marketing professional” and “billionaire playboy.” I sprinkled in a few names of current and former employers and exotic locations to add some flavor. Then I flashed a business card showing my face Photoshopped on the Monopoly guy’s body. And that was that. The conversation turned to my classmate, who is a real estate lawyer in Florida, a state hit hard by the economy. She deals with foreclosures day in and day out, which is depressing but also fascinating. My first reunion conversation, and I didn’t even have to feign interest. Personal human suffering caused by a floundering economy is a personal hobby of mine.

Subsequent conversations tended to be similar. Some lasted longer than others. Some meandered and explored a little more. But most were standard and perfunctory, progressing through the five basic stages of reunion discourse…

1. Pleasantries
2. My story
3. Their story
4. Awkward lull
5. Excuse to go talk to someone else

I remembered everyone’s name, except for one person’s; I didn’t know him that well. A stolen glance at his name tag saved me from obvious embarrassment. Everyone looked about the same, or at least recognizable. No one had lost a limb or gained 400 pounds. People didn’t even seem “puffy,” which is how wifey describes the look of someone moving into middle age. A few people have fancy jobs, but most have turned out kind of like me.

Life is hard, but I’m working through it. We all are. And things aren’t really that bad. Sometimes we just need the opportunity to step back and take stock. I’m lucky in many respects. The conversations I didn’t want to have that night seemed innocuous by the end. It would’ve been nice to pick up where we left off 20 years ago. But that wasn’t possible. We aren’t those people anymore. The jokes aren’t as funny now as they were then. We don’t wear those costumes anymore. The magic years are gone. But the present is where I want to be, even with all its difficulties.

Give us money now or we're taking back that degree!

Every few months my undergrad alma mater sends me another edition of the college magazine. Anybody who’s given their college their current contact info knows exactly what I’m talking about. These magazines portray college life at your school today, at least a college life in which everyone is happy and studious and great things are happening everyday. No one fails a test, barfs in the quad or loses their financial aid in the college magazine. So while they’re good for quick read (or scan) on the toilet or over breakfast, they always feel a bit disingenuous.

But in the last few years they’ve actually started to irk me. I never thought about why until the other day. The Winter ’09 edition had arrived the week before and since sat in a pile of bills, magazines and junk I really didn’t feel like going through. Unemployment has made me care even less about mail – an impressive feat. Hats off to you, unemployment, for pushing my apathy to new depths.

But the other day I went through the pile and found the magazine. This thing was bigger and more substantial than a newsstand magazine or a mail-order catalog. It felt considered, like the school wants me to know that a lot of planning and effort went into its making. It stood out, but in the same way as consumer publications from mutual fund and life insurance companies – the kind featuring handsome retirees helping their grandkids onto a sailboat – or worse still sales collateral at business conferences.

Flipping through, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed students smiled at me from each page, posed in their collegiate lives. Why do they always take real people and make them look fake? Professors appeared pensive, but seemed to enjoy themselves. Even the prof who terrorized my economics classes because his wife left him had found his smile somewhere. In the photo he shared a book with another professor; they must really be expensive these days. The campus seemed familiar, but only kind of, given all the improvements over the last 15 years. The stories in the magazine shared student challenges and accomplishments in the classroom and on the field and acknowledged local and national current events without actually having an opinion.

My college magazine isn’t meant to be The New Yorker. It’s just about the goings on at small liberal arts school in Pennsylvania that wants my money. But give me something that makes me concentrate a little. Don’t remind me with every page I turn that it’s all just a sales pitch masquerading as something more. And don’t follow it all up (like you did) with a phone call from a minimum-wage student asking for donations. It just feels too contrived, and makes me not want to give you money, should I ever have any. Let me believe for a moment that you care about me.

The last part of the magazine featured updates from graduating classes dating back 60+ years. And while I learned a couple new things about people I knew, I just ended up feeling bad about myself. Here were people moving forward with lives, getting promoted, having kids, doing impressive things. (Granted, they’re showing off for other alumni too.) Meanwhile I was sitting at home – unemployed and broke – reading about them and wondering where I went wrong. It put me in a funk for the rest of the day. Thanks for the pick-me-up. Whom shall I make the check out to?

If only it were as warm as this looks.

Unemployment makes staying home easy. Frigid temperatures make it even easier. So yesterday afternoon, around 5:30, I faced the biggest decision of my day. Do I bundle up and brave the cold for a subway ride to the West Side (an hour’s trip door to door), or do I play a DVD from Netflix (Family Guy, Season 6, Disc 3, with all the bonus features)? Sounds like a no-brainer… go with the fat guy, talking dog and occasionally diabolical baby. I opted for hypothermia and the MTA, which turned out to be the right choice.

Fordham University – my business school alma mater – held a panel discussion entitled “Layoff Survival Guide.” It was all about proper techniques for panhandling. Topics included…

• Street corner as office – coping with a change of environment.
• Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts – what coffee cup puts people in the giving mood and why.
• Dress for success – pathetic-looking clothing need not sacrifice warmth or comfort.
• Failed banker or bank failure – optimize your story to maximize your earnings.

Sorry, I got sidetracked. Too much Family Guy makes me think in asides.

The panel discussion was all about how to deal with a layoff. You may be wondering why I wasn’t on the panel, given my league-leading layoff tally and hard-earned expertise. I wondered the same thing. But the invited panelists turned out to know a thing or two themselves. They offered more advice than “think about going back to school or an online university.” I was content to listen and learn from the third row.

The panel consisted of Merrill Lynch financial advisers Anthony Russo and Kim Potvin, employment attorney Andy Karamouzis and career coach Alan Cohen. Anthony started it off with his personal story quickly followed by a few very important (if obvious) tips. The most important (and most obvious) is to examine your budget and expenses. Any laid-off business school grad should think of and take care of this in the first week of unemployment. But any financial adviser worth his spreadsheets would be remiss if he didn’t lead with this tip. He also emphasized the need to rollover and reallocate 401Ks. People accumulate multiple accounts as they go from job to job, and let the market skew their investments what direction they will. While organizing your financial house is a convenient time to consolidate and recalibrate. This tip seemed a little self-serving (so you’re reinvesting… we can help), though also logical and relevant. Retirement accounts are assets and should be considered in any financial self-examination.

Kim summed up her story and continued the retirement discussion before yielding the floor to Andy the employment lawyer. His first point was something I’ve harped on in this blog – file for unemployment insurance. Again, this is Unemployment 101-type stuff, but very important. Don’t leave free money on the table. Swallow any lingering pride; overcome the creeping laziness. I was surprised to learn that some audience members thought the government tries to trick people out of unemployment. Let’s dispel this notion right now. Filing for unemployment is quick, easy and straightforward in most cases. Basically any laid-off worker can do it. No one is out to deprive you, barring the occasional vindictive former company who won’t validate a claim. And the big, bad government doesn’t have it in for you as an individual. You, personally, are not that important.

Alan the career coach finished things up, which made perfect sense given the trajectory of a layoff. Whereas the first three speakers focused on getting your jobless ducks in a row, he looked ahead to bigger, better ponds. His outlook was upbeat, and his advice sage. Get over the perceived stigma of being laid off; it probably wasn’t your fault. And get beyond the notion that a job defines a person; this is a narrow view of an individual. Then examine what was appealing about previous jobs and use that as a lens to focus your energy in the right direction. The trick, as he put it, is not to believe a company is right for you just because you need a job. This resonated with me. As a job search drags on, the group of “right” companies and industries always seems to grow. Desperation leads to bad decisions. Of course, desperation is sometimes justified.

Audience members interrupted each of the speakers with questions, which gave them avenues for expanding and directing the conversation. But in business school, and in life, I suppose, the alpha, ME ME ME types tend to dominate. And mostly they just want to talk about themselves. One woman seemed to have three different jobs yet was contemplating giving them all up to collect unemployment (WTF?). She asked questions so specific to her own situation that no one could understand let alone answer them. I’m not sure she even understood. Some people had more insightful comments and questions that surfaced information I didn’t know. These were the highlights for me…

• Severance packages are not required by law, at least in New York state. Most employment agreements are entered into by an employer and an employee at will. Either party can terminate the relationship at any time. Severances are a gesture of goodwill and come with a waiver that releases the company from any future damages.
• Severances are always negotiable. With a strong case and a light touch, they can be improved. The worst a company can do is say no, and then beat you with the nearest blunt object – likely a stapler, so watch out for those Swinglines.
• Don’t take what’s not yours. What’s done in a work capacity belongs to the company. This includes proprietary information and contacts.
• If laid off, get a letter from that employer stating the reason for your departure (e.g. money issues, corporate downsizing, etc.). It could make securing a new job easier.
• Volunteering for a charity can expand your network and further your job search. It may also give you a nice warm and fuzzy feeling.

Sitting in a room with other unemployed people was just as important as learning more about unemployment. It was therapeutic, a good reminder that many people are going through the same things. My job search isn’t any easier, and my bills aren’t any more paid. But I do feel better about myself for making the effort. And I’m grateful to Fordham and the panelists for their efforts, on a night when most people probably just wanted to go home and get out of the cold.

I have to give credit where credit is due. Just as the job market started heading south and before I was laid off, career services at both Fordham (my grad school) and Franklin & Marshall (my undergrad school) reached out to alumnae with offers of help. F&M notified me of a grad school open house they were having and promised career center events in the near future. Of course, all that is in PA… not so helpful. Fordham scheduled HR open houses at 2 big local employers. The first was subsequently cancelled because (I kid you not) the company announced major layoffs. The second was at a big record label where I worked and was laid off from a few years ago. Again, not so helpful for me. But their hearts are in the right place.

The other night I went to a seminar at Fordham entitled “Networking for the Slightly Shy, the Reserved and the Downright Introverted.” I’m not shy, but I can be a little reserved and introverted. It’s really because I just don’t like people. (In case you’re wondering, I hate you too.) Seriously, I’m just comfortable by myself and don’t much like networking events. I don’t know the root cause (fear of rejection, maybe). I signed up this event because, when I’m unemployed, I try to do anything that can possibly help.

Sure enough, it was very helpful, and I’m glad I went. The presenter was a career coach named Mary Anne Walsh, and she reminded me of the lady who was selling us her apartment until I was laid off and our mortgage was rejected. (I guess that’s a story for another post.) She started with why we network:

• gain confidence
• learn new skills
• increase self-esteem
• increase visibility
• get a new job (HELLO!)
• get promoted (I should be so lucky)
• acquire new business
• solve problems more quickly

Then she moved into the art of networking and the fears associated with it. In a quick exercise designed to make us meet someone new, we had to discuss our main fear with someone in else. As it happened, the person I turned to was someone I already knew but hadn’t previously recognized. So much for that exercise.

She continued on to explain that we should treat networking like we would a job, particularly if we didn’t enjoy it. So I took out my computer and immediately went to ESPN.com (BAA-zing! Thank you, be sure to try the veal). Seriously, she suggested we outline a strategy for meeting people. The key point for me was to have a plan and goals going in (ex. meet 5 people, setup 3 meetings, get 10 business cards). She gave tips on how to keep conversations moving and how to move on to other conversations after 5 minutes (her suggested length).

I don’t want to give away too much of the stuff she presented. After all this is her business, and people pay her for this. But one other point was particularly relevant for me. Have something to offer people whom you’re meeting. If the conversation and any subsequent relationship isn’t a give and take, you won’t get very far.

This point resonated with me because someone recently called me out on this very thing. This contact made the point that he only hears from me when I look for a job and send out my resume en masse. Further, if I were to offer help when I’m gainfully employed, I’d never be in the position I always find myself in – unemployed and in need of help. Jobs would come to me. Initially I was a little angry and indignant about it. I do try to help people in my network, and I pride myself on that. But some people never seem to need help. And some I just don’t know that well; that’s the nature of networks. Anyway, his point was spot-on, at least as it applied to him (and likely many more people). And I realized this once I got over myself and thought about it a little.

Anyway, back to the point of this post. Networking needs to be a key component of any job search, active or passive, whether you’re employed on not employed. If you hate it as much as I do, then it’s all the more important because you probably avoid it. And if you treat it is as its own process and and important part of the larger process of finding a job, you can rationalize yourself into doing it.

And if you have the wherewithal, it’s probably worth hiring a job coach. There are many things we’re probably doing wrong, and there are people who can help. Mary Anne is one of them.

I don’t have the pile of CDs in front of me. But here’s much of what I’ve been listening to this week…

Band Of Horses – Cease To Begin
Caribou – Andorra
The Church – After Everything Now This
The Editors – An End Has A Start
Kiln – Dusker
Longwave – The Strangest Things
Josh Rouse – Dressed Up Like Nebraska
Tears For Fears – The Seeds Of Love