Unemployed man’s best spammer friend returns

Who's up for some lunch? (courtesy of http://blogs.sun.com)

Who's up for some lunch? (courtesy of http://blogs.sun.com)

Something was missing in my life. My days felt a little darker, my nights a little lonelier. There was an emptiness in my stomach, in my soul, in my bank account, that no amount of cookies or Maury reruns could fill. I perused the job boards looking for solace, but none was to be found. Charles Williams, Senior Vice President of Delany, Byczinski & Potamkin – my trusted spammer friend and business associate who promised to deliver me from unemployment – was gone. And I was all alone.

Our last correspondence gave me so much hope. He promised to find me the job of my dreams, and I believed him. Why wouldn’t I?  He’d picked me – and me alone – to contact, out of all the job candidates in the world. And he had access to situations at my income level and in my geographic area. This was more of a sure thing than the lottery, or the Redskins winning another Super Bowl in my lifetime. All he needed to get started was my bank account number, my pin and my mother’s maiden name. My social security number would help too, though Chuck (we were good friends by this point) considered that more of a nice-to-have than a requirement. I gave everything willingly, knowing that my personal information is a small, though necessary, price to pay for employment happiness. Online solicitors are the most trustworthy of businessmen. And such requirements are not unusual in the job search process. This is how reputable employment agencies find work for shrewd job seekers like me.

But soon my bank balance was down to $1.37, from the princely sum of $12.82 I’d worked so hard to save. And Chuck wouldn’t return my calls. Oh, how I tried to reach him, day and night. But only the computer ever answered the phone. The curt and monotone “leave a message” assured me that Chuck and Company were on the case. He’d just just stepped out, again, for the 87th time, moments before my call. But he would soon return from the 24-hour, all-you-can-eat buffet or the Circle K or the peepshows or the Cayman Islands. And then, satiated and relaxed, having spent my $11.45, he would surely return my call. But he never did.

Sometimes, when I was alone, on CareerBuilder with my thoughts, I dreamed about just how close I’d come to working again. I would replay our relationship in my head and wonder where I went wrong. Sometimes I even played the name game in hopes that the cosmos might grant me another chance…

Chuck, Chuck, bo-buck,
Banana-fana fo-f***
Fee-fi-mo-uck
Chuck!

And then it happened. Chuck contacted me again; maybe he heard my lonely song. His recent email reads as though we have no history, as if we’re only meeting now – online – for the first time. In fact, it has the same wording as before. How could Chuck not remember me after all we’ve been through? I’m hurt. But I’m not going to dwell on the past. I’m back in the game. Gainful employment… here I come!

Here’s the letter, in the hope that my unemployed brothers and sisters can benefit as much as I will…

Are you still in the market?

[For what, Chuck? Are we back to square one? I thought you knew me better than that.]

We felt your resume indicated that we may have immediate openings at DBP that could be right for you. However, if you are interested, we need some added information.

[Interesting that my resume indicated some openings at DBP. I didn’t know it had that kind of power. Can my resume maybe indicate up a free pizza, or maybe a burrito? How about an unlimited subway fare card to get me to and from all those interviews I’m not getting?]

Delaney enjoys a growing reputation as a fast growing recruiting service. Our clients include small and large employers, growth companies, and Fortune 1,000 corporations. We deal only in professional and executive openings and there are no fees.

[I see you haven’t yet settled on a spelling for the company name. Is it Delaney or Delany? Best to keep it up in the air, keep everyone guessing. The mystery builds credibility.]

To register with us, as well as to review current situations at your income level and in your geographic area, please do the following.

[Well, my income level is currently $0. So I’d really rather not review other current situations at that level. Unemployed is bad enough. I don’t really want to be dead or incarcerated. Feel free to suggest other, better situations if you know of any.]

Click on http://jobs15.dbpexecusearch.com

[But, Chuck, this is a different web address from before. And the link doesn’t work. Is there something you’re not telling me, Chuck? Does it have to do with the money “borrowed” from my account?]

The “Post Resume” button will take you to the profile information that we need.

Regards,

Charles Williams
Senior Vice President
Delany, Byczinski & Potamkin

My spam is better than your spam

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7 Comments

  1. Tina wrote:

    He contacted you too? I feel jilted now. How can he possibly devote the time to the indicated openings on my resume if he’s working on yours?

    This slight must be due to your inflated bank account. He got a whole $11.45 from you and my account was down to a measly $1.19…not even enough for the Sunday paper.

    Foiled again.

    Thursday, October 8, 2009 at 12:20 pm | Permalink
  2. golublog wrote:

    I totally hate that when something seems like a job and just spam. Email is a land of lost hopes.

    Sunday, October 11, 2009 at 10:52 am | Permalink
  3. Daniel wrote:

    Are you still in the market?

    We felt your resume indicated that we may have immediate openings at DBP that could be right for you. However, if you are interested, we need some added information.

    Delaney enjoys a growing reputation as a fast growing recruiting service. Our clients include small and large employers, growth companies, and Fortune 1,000 corporations. We deal only in professional and executive openings and there are no fees.

    To register with us, as well as to review current situations at your income level and in your geographic area, please do the following.

    Click on http://jobs15.dbpexecusearch.com

    The “Post Resume” button will take you to the profile information that we need.

    Regards,

    Charles Williams
    Senior Vice President
    Delany, Byczinski & Potamkin

    Friday, November 6, 2009 at 10:02 am | Permalink
  4. Norm wrote:

    Good old Charles Williams spammed my post about his email spam. And the note is exactly the same. Aside from maybe a million dollars, nothing could be ever be that awesome. Great to have you back, Chuck… again.

    Friday, November 6, 2009 at 10:12 am | Permalink
  5. Chandra wrote:

    I thought I was special….

    Incidentally, I clicked on the link in my email, and your page came up in a search engine, which instantly dashed all my hopes.

    Tuesday, November 10, 2009 at 7:51 pm | Permalink
  6. David wrote:

    It’s a shame that Not only do we have to spend months searching the web & other media in our attempts to find gainful employment, but we also have to investigate those offering help to ensure that we don’t loose what little money we have left to those like charles Williams. Yes, I too received his letter just today in my email box. Thank you Norm for posting this where it could be found when I searched for for his business.

    Saturday, February 6, 2010 at 11:24 am | Permalink
  7. Howie wrote:

    He’s still at it. He misspelled his first name in the email I found in my spam folder….Are you still in the market?

    We felt your resume indicated that we may have immediate openings at DBP that could be right for you. However, if you are interested, we need some added information.

    Delany enjoys a growing reputation as a fast growing recruiting service. Our clients include small and large employers, growth companies, and Fortune 1,000 corporations. We deal only in professional and executive openings and there are no fees.

    To register with us, as well as to review current situations at your income level and in your geographic area, please do the following:

    Click on http://www.dbpexecusearch.com

    The “register now” button will take you to the profile information that we need.

    Regards,

    Charls Williams
    Senior Vice President

    Monday, May 3, 2010 at 4:20 pm | Permalink

2 Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. RLEschler (Robin Eschler) on Wednesday, October 7, 2009 at 9:42 pm

    Unemployed man’s best spammer friend returns | Jobless and Less: Charles Williams – spammer friend to the u.. http://tinyurl.com/y926g86

  2. My spam is better than your spam | Jobless and Less on Monday, November 30, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    […] Charles Williams, Senior Vice President […]