Wall Street 2 is coming… no need to hide your money, it’s just a movie

Relive the economy's crash on the big screen for only $10 ($78 in NYC)

Relive the economy's crash on the big screen for only $10 ($78 in NYC)

I’ve heard for years that a Wall Street sequel is in the offing.  This is the first confirmed report I’ve seen…

Douglas, Stone head back to ‘Wall Street’

Why not? If the actual Wall Street can reprise their crimes against the public every decade or two, then Hollywood should be allowed to too. It’s just business, right? Nothing personal. To be fair, the original is a pretty good movie. It follows young stockbroker Bud Fox (Charlie Sheen) in his quest to get filthy, stinkin’ rich and maybe buy himself another syllable for his name. He falls in with his hero – corporate raider Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) – and soon takes to insider trading to stay in his good graces. He gets rich and lands a hot blond chick (Darryl Hannah) with really bad taste for an interior designer, even in the 80s. They shack up and make pasta and eat sushi and get all lovey-dovey against the Manhattan skyline. And then s**t goes down. I won’t ruin the story, but the huge egos (and glasses – you can see into space with those things) are fun to watch.

The storyline for Wall Steet 2 is still a secret, though a studio executive assures us it will have something to do with current events. Thanks, that’s really helpful. Maybe you can help me with another question. Will baseball be played at the Mets game tonight? Or will the teams perform some sort of interpretive dance? Since the studio is being vague on the less-than-f**king-obvious details, I came up with my own story. Until I hear otherwise, I will assume it to be accurate.

The film opens with Gordon Gekko’s cronies bursting through my front door. He saunters in shortly after, careful not to get dust on his sport coat, designer jeans and Italian loafers. Corporate raiders have embraced business casual in the sequel. I’m sitting at the dining room table, and wifey at her desk. Gekko takes our wallets and checkbooks and then slaps each of us. He’s wearing shiny rings that leave a mark. Then he looks at our 401K statements and starts to laugh. The statements flutter to the floor in slow motion. On the way out he kicks each of our cats. The rest of the movie alternates between me looking for a job and wifey and me watching news stories about the government giving Gekko’s company billions in tax dollars. And here’s the twist: the movie doesn’t end… ever. Take that, Oscar.

I haven’t worked out the dialogue just yet; genius comes in stages. But the movie’s tagline will be, “Greed is good, having a bitch is better.” This won out over, “Every dream has a price, and that price is four.” The former just pops more. I expect all of you to visit your local theater on opening night. And bring lots of money for popcorn and jujubes, and a sleeping bag, because you’ll never leave.

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