The iPhone killer is here… meet the i-wood

Because punching that annoying iPhone user in the throat might get you arrested. (image courtesy of

Because punching that annoying iPhone user in the throat might get you arrested. (image courtesy of

Apple makes some great products. I have a Mac, and hope to buy another one when it explodes, spreading blog and job search shrapnel throughout the greater Jackson Heights area. The iPhones I see and hear on the subway, in the grocery store, at the gym and everywhere else that isn’t my apartment look just awesome. And everyone tells me – over and over all the time everywhere – that it does fabulous things too. I’d consider getting one if I had any money and AT&T actually worked in NYC. But I’m unemployed, and AT&T apparently sucks around here. Call me crazy, but I like to receive phone calls and have conversations without being dropped. It could be another important resume rejection, the one that puts me in the running for that no-expenses-paid trip to bankruptcy court.

Apple and its beautiful and coveted products aren’t the problem. It’s the insufferable iPhone users… the iPhoneys. I’m a little fed up with (and jealous of) all the cool Richie McTalk-a-lots and their fancy gadgets. What is it about these things – and PDAs in general – that makes them more interesting than the world around us?

Looking ahead or around while walking isn’t good enough anymore. Eyes must be glued to an iPhone at all times. Our cities are overrun with cellular zombies. They wonder the sidewalks, eyes down and brains off, surfing and being social. They crowd our entrances and stairwells, freely forwarding funny links while blocking pedestrian traffic. No, that’s alright. I’ll keep backpedaling on the escalator until you finish checking your messages. It’s good practice for when you cut me off again 20 steps from now.

These days, the in-person conversation has become a colossal inconvenience. Nary is the iPhoney who doesn’t start playing with their gadget halfway through my thought. Maybe I’ve just grown stale and boring in my old age; I can’t even remember my last original idea. We live in fast times. Who has time to listen and wait for a point when all knowledge can be had with a deft finger stroke across a shiny screen? I mean really, anything that can be said can be found on Wikipedia while looking cool.

Are you tired of it all? Are you ready to beat the next iPhone user who cuts you off with the device that’s taken them over? Your salvation is here. I present to you the i-wood…

The i-wood 3B is “for all the times you wood rather stab someone in the eye than talk about 3-G anything.” As the site so eloquently explains, “it will help you redefine your relationships with people by showing them how truly irritating they, and their portable devices, have become.” Here is a sampling of its more ingenious functions…

  • Know-It-Allreminds “…your friends how fun it used to be to actually know things instead of constantly referring to an electronic device.”
  • Meeting Ignore – gives you the right to not pay attention in meetings, just like your tech-savvy coworkers.
  • Status Symbol – shows all those insufferable tech geeks that you too can buy coolness.

It’s time all of us non-iPhone types took back our world. The next time an iPhoney  gets on your nerves, pull out your i-wood and return the favor. Get in their way. Ignore them. Act cool and self-important for no good reason. Be an i-woody (name still in development).

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  1. Ron wrote:

    LOL and Amen. I even gave up my cell phone a couple of years ago (hmmm – got laid off 6 weeks ago – any connection there?) – only keep a prepaid in the glove compartment for emergencies. (does anyone keep gloves in the glove compartment?)

    I needed a good laugh – got two rejections today.

    Thanks for the laugh.


    Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 12:42 am | Permalink
  2. BPW wrote:

    Oh man, how many times have I been out having dinner with friends (this is, of course, when I had enough money to go out) (and when I had friends), and they have *all* pulled out their iPhones to occupy themselves during the interminable gap between being seated and being greeted by our server. Can’t people just go a few moments without tech-induced mental stimulation? Am I really that lame of company? I need the iWood so I can be a jerk, too.

    This is awesome. Thanks.

    Sunday, April 26, 2009 at 9:45 am | Permalink
  3. dogl wrote:

    Even the babies can get in on the action:
    Check out the wooden iPhoney:

    Saturday, May 16, 2009 at 12:47 am | Permalink

5 Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. JoblessandLess (Norm Elrod) on Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 4:12 am

    New blog post: The iPhone killer is here… meet the i-wood

  2. CaraMandart (CaraMandart) on Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 4:19 am

    (Funny blog since I don’t have one) New blog post: The iPhone killer is here… meet the i-wood RT @JoblessAndLess

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