The perfect job awaits…

Seeing Clint Eastwood in action yesterday got me to thinking. Maybe I need a job that harnesses my significant intimidation skills. I haven’t seen any openings for superheroes at the Hall of Justice. Besides, my “Unemployment Man” character needs a superpower beyond surfing the internet really fast and coming up with synonyms on the fly. (I’m open to suggestions…) I’d work at the Legion of Doom, if it weren’t so far from the train. I’m already more qualified than some of the villains they have on staff anyway. I mean, come on, Cheetah, with her cat-like reflexes? My cats fall off of things everyday. And Scarecrow, with his fear gas? I eat a lot of Mexican food, so you can only imagine the fear my gas instills.

Fighting (or committing) crime is probably too taxing anyway. I’d rather just be an everyday kind of guy, but with a mean streak, and license to use it. Then someone forwarded this to me…

Henchmen/Henchwoman Needed 6 Month Contract

It’s perfect, and I’m qualified. After all, I live in gritty Queens, near above-ground tracks where all kinds of strange people hang out. I push old ladies and take their seats on the subway everyday. (They usually have it coming.) My technique for getting people to move out of my way – stepping on their heals and swooping by while they turn around – is unmatched. After four layoffs, I have an attitude problem and an axe to grind. And I look positively sinister with my head shaved. Oh yeah, and I have two little brothers, which means years of practice in the art of small torture.

This job is so mine.

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One Comment

  1. Raul wrote:

    You forgot the years of torture and beatings that you received from your 12th or so degree black belt carrying older sister. So that shows that you can take punishment, which means you can keep a secret despite being tortured for hours, or days or weeks. You could add that to your resume under other job skills.

    Thursday, January 29, 2009 at 12:20 pm | Permalink